Saying they were weird made me feel like the lesser for having been touched by their stories. But I see why he would so Im giving him the benefit of the doubt. In return, LW could offer to be extra supportive of the daughter participating in activities with her father that hes interested in as well. bittergaymark bittergaymark My mom hated most of those things and really didnt make an effort to get involved. Required fields are marked *. Oh and shes also going hiking with her dad this weekend because I told her to suck it up and get her ass in gear and tell her dad she wants to go, oh and shes also taking spinning classes with him this fall because her size 0 ass isnt gonna last forever with the way she eats spaghetti since she shares my DNA. BtVS not mature and intelligent? A parent who can laugh at themselves when they mess up, and teaches the kid to laugh at themselves and to see the humor without feeling attached is key. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. lets_be_honest Twin Flame & Soul Mate Guide, 22 Things You Should Know in Dating Latino Men: What To Expect, Dating Canadian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating Australian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating American Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect. I wanted to make a point about the use of the word uninformed. FIONA SAYS: It's never too late to change patterns so long as he's willing. I feel like the mother may be inadvertently teaching the daughter that its OK to make it all about yourself. Seriously? My husband and I have been together for seven years and married for three. It is just another thought though really, because going back and reading it again she includes herself in everything her husband gets mad at. Gently explain that you're not happy approaching this guy because you think he's simply not interested and that, if she continues to chase him, she's leaving herself open to more hurt and disappointment. July 2, 2013, 1:32 pm. Wendy, this advice could not have been better. She and my dad didnt have much of a relationship, so she kind of looked to me to be her BFF, and I had a lot more in common with her. He's just as cool and aloof with me these days and I'm not sure how I feel about him anymore. Ask the GP: Could taking statins affect your dreams? Ooh, that was common ground for my dad and sisters and I. Mini golf. Sad. I notice myself not racing to pick up my daughter from. painted_lady To care for our two young kids. temperance He may feel like hes being left out or that he isnt good enough for his daughter. he wants to teach her to drive. But you know what. July 2, 2013, 1:01 pm. Then wed throw it back and go back to just hanging out. He liked baseball and trivia and languages and anthropology all stuff I didnt really care about. Seems to notice every bad thing they do but rarely praises. I am a huge fan of Pandemic its a co-op game, so you play against the disease and work as a team. AITA for not driving my wife to our son's wedding since I'm not invited? I hope the LW looks to the comments because she is not wrong to feel hurt and confused and could have used guidance which I dont think you supplied. July 2, 2013, 11:08 am. Janet got the love and affection of a parent from the old maid who raised her. They wouldnt do that, would they? lets_be_honest , temperance Heck no! The eye-rolling and making the daughter feel bad about her interests is not cool. So if you lend your car to your best friend, your sister or even your second cousin, your insurance is most often the insurance that will pay in the event of an accident. I think compromise and parental teamwork will go a long way here. July 3, 2013, 2:36 pm. And I really do think he has been 100%, maybe even 110% put on the back burner. July 3, 2013, 3:26 am, You probably know this already but Meribor = Picards daughter. This makes me so deeply jealous. But while we would toss a softball back and forth to help me work on not flinching, he would let me rattle on and on about whatever inane thing had my interest (I didnt read much fiction, beyond Harry Potter, but I read a lot of nature books, so I would talk about whatever animal I had been reading about recently. July 2, 2013, 12:02 pm, Obviously, but thats just because youre wrong and not because of the certain, lasting trauma it will cause for lil. If he hadnt put in the time when I was a kid, I doubt wed have that relationship. Most of them are women. And dont EVER talk negatively about one spouse to your children. It has legitimate and, imo, unassailable value in sparking the imaginations and intellectualism of people. He even told me the next day that he was the luckiest guy in the world. My husband and I have very different interests, but he does not roll his eyes when I talk about them. (I remember one long drive when i was little where we ran out of all other cds and they suffered through it for a little while and I was happy as a clam, but eventually they couldnt deal with it anymore). Find a common ground youve got to. Both of them are alike in that they are argumentative, particularly with each other, and if they disagree with each other or even have a misunderstanding neither will let it go, such that we end up with ridiculous escalating fights. He still clips those articles, and even though he and I are a ways apart politically, I can always trust them to have something well-reasoned and thoughtful to say. Though unsettling, your partner was not boring. bittergaymark July 2, 2013, 3:17 pm. So as not to be hurt again, they simply avoid situations where they think they will need to expose their feelings or emotions. Because your daughter may eventually outgrow her fangirl phase, but if you do your job right, shell never outgrow being a strong, confident, interesting and interested person. Saying later that night will you ask the spagetti head to pass the salt IS making fun of their child and it is healthy. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,100],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3','ezslot_14',135,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3-0');Here are some things you can do: Its not always easy to find the right balance between your spouse and your child, but it is possible. 1. This kind of self-awareness is never easy, and it is likely that he may need some professional help to overcome whatever it is that prevents him from opening up with those closest to him. Way to become a teenager yourself dad. Show interest in his interests. HA! (Its not in the joking way, either, but in the Temperance never gets to choose another movie again way.). Its a question many mothers ask themselves: why is my husband driving my daughter away? Shes doing archery and piano, Id say thats enriching. When the symbolic slot machine pays off, you were likely to have been off and running through the interpersonal Alice in Wonderland maze again. He wasnt invested in making mini-hims at all, and I am so grateful for my dad. My dad and I developed a healthy give-and-take relationship when I was this age. , Did anyone else ever watch Home Improvement? I wonder about the contempt or underlying sexism expressed in the fathers attitude. The first theory is that her husband is jealous of the close relationship she has with their daughter. You just have to learn to ignore that. I agree, but the father didnt ask for advice, the mom did and we all know you can only control your own actions, so because of that, I think the advice given was spot on. We were so thrilled. Well-intentioned, devoted partners of crazy-making people can become obsessed with trying to find the magic potion that will make their partners happy and appreciative of their efforts. July 2, 2013, 4:19 pm. Ive been following you for years and while I dont always agree with your answers I think this was the most misguided and off the mark. Theres no excuse for that. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. Isnt there something vampiry that could also lead to a talk about scifi which leads to something the dad may like!?! He(now) jokes that he and my mom missed out on the music of the 80s (and therefore dont know any of it) because they were listening to the wheels on the bus on repeat for the entire decade. My dream is to just have a commune where all my family lives together , honeybeenicki Anything! Are you on Tumblr? I dont think there is any one size fits all strategy. I definitely DONT think my experience and this familys are similar. I really think there might be a way for dad and daughter to meet in the middle here. I dont think theres anything wrong with taking a child camping who doesnt necessarily like it that much. My point is, you have cultivated these interests in your daughter. Also, I want to tell an awesome story about my dad. July 15, 2013, 3:00 pm. Sounds to me like not only is dad not interested in or even bothering to take an interest in any of his daughters interests, but he also disparages them and her calling her uninformed, lacking initiative and uncompetitive and bitches because she isnt more like what he wants her to be like. Id even argue that as the adult here, he should be putting in more of an effort to accept her for who she is and take an interest in what she likes, instead of the other way around. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. You can share your interests in a positive, fun way or you can try to force them on the child and he seems to think that forcing them on the child while belittling her is the way to go. Sorry Wendy (and LW) I think your answer was as wrong as it was long. Shes lashing out and pushing back because hes hurting her. I know, Buffy was the weakest link in Buffy (is that irony?). He just can't grasp the cost of a wedding. I think the dad sounds like kind of a jerk, and heres why growing up (and now, lets be real), I was a total geek for many things, including Star Wars (and I was born in 84, so it was years behind the times for me, too). I realized at a young age that compromise was an important thing in a relationship. Absolutely. July 2, 2013, 12:12 pm. Blow out the torches! It can be even tougher to try to figure out what to do about it. The mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter away, but she has a few theories. Theres no reason why reading books and an interest in musicals and playing music make someone uninformed, one persons preference for geography over literature doesnt make them more informed than the other one! You do her a disservice by being greedy with her time and attention. His dad was hyper critical that my boyfriend was interested in computers and cello, not hunting and fishing. lets_be_honest They had all sorts of questions about those eras of American history, and we watched a couple of documentaries, and then I get my kids coming in and going, Hey, there was a thing on The History Channel this weekend about Salem, and I made my dad watch it! And then in American history, they were studying colonial America just after we read it, and so I get the history teachers going, Holy shit, thank you! As you agree, there needs to be a balance and it sounds like Dad is the only one whose realized that. You may need to have a conversation with your husband and daughter separately to get to the bottom of whats going on. My teenage kids are miserable & he treats them like they are toddlers. All these behaviors contribute to the problem and are probably making the daughter less inclined to spend time with him. Cant even describe how much I hate hate hate them!! She tells me what her favorite scent is, so I buy it for her for her birthday. No, it may not be the precise thing hes interested in, but you cant just share an interest with someone by demanding it. Try to get him to nix the assignments things (because, I mean, UGH) and remind him that shes only TWELVEshell eventually grow out of the fangirldom. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-4','ezslot_15',127,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-4-0');And since she loves you both, it can be tough for her to see you stay in a situation that makes you both so miserable. My sister and I grew up reading scifi and fantasy. Yeah, and you definitely dont win the parenting award when you focus more on getting your kid to be your ally, as opposed to sticking up for your child. Yeah, I wasnt responding so much to Mark re: sports but to culture as a whole. She SHOULD be more informed and its good that her dad wants her to be. One of these people is an adult and one of these people is twelve. Your email address will not be published. Before reading Wendys answer you and your daughter sound awesome! You may not see the rewards right away. To me, there are some red flags in this letter; the fathers ridicule of the daughters interests, and his labeling her as lacking initiative because shes not into the same things he is, jump right out at me. Most passive aggressive folks have two things in common: 1. I strongly agree with this. I second this. Weird. Maybe they both like pizza or Indian food or something; then Dad can take her out to dinner or cook with her. July 2, 2013, 3:39 pm. If youre having problems with your husband because of how he treats you or his parenting style, then you need to handle it with him, not by forming an alliance with your daughter against him. WWS. He's been this way for some time, so I suspect he will not change quickly nor easily. If it doesnt come from both sides, its hard to want to do something with the other person, if the other person doesnt do anything to see your side of it. Wendys relationship with her parents as a young girl feels ridiculously close with my relationship with my parents. Another possibility is that her husband doesnt understand how to connect with his daughter on an emotional level. I wanted to spend more time with him so he took me golfing with him early in the morning, even though I didnt know how to play. The episode where Picard experiences an entire lifetime with a wife, children, grandchildren etc. 1. My dad actually doesnt have a whole lot of interests, and if he does, he doesnt like them enough to pursue them. We are extremely close and love doing the same things. Seeing him cultivate her interests and introduce her to things I never would have has been a blessing. July 2, 2013, 2:33 pm. And musicals should be revered as an art form. A my worldview is the best worldview type of parenting works out for no one, as my mother found out. Within a year of this, my dad became abusive. Its not his thing, and as an adult I respect that (now the two of us nerd out talking about law related stuff since I just got my J.D. Last weekend she wanted to spend time just the two of us so I found a great B-and-B and set up a romantic weekend. He doesnt have to like Star Trek, but he can respectfully engage her when she talks about this topic. His ambition and strong work ethic filled you with admiration. My father did not appreciate the pop culture stuff and always reminded me that I was smarter than this. If LWs husband is making LWs daughter think that shes less of an awesome person for not having the skills he wants her to have, instead of saying these skills will make her a more awesome person, than thats probably the main reason shes pulling away. One thing that works is to invite a friend along because then she looks forward to the activity and has fun and at the same time she is still interacting with parents. Its rude for an adult to behave that way towards another adult, and its downright hurtful to do it to your child. I would suggest planning outings for just your husband and your daughter maybe to an arcade, out to a movie, mini golf,etc so that they can spend time together by themselves. He's always putting him down. It also says the father is critical about her lack of competitiveness, initiative, and how she is uninformed. I wanted nothing to do with my dad for a long time. Exposure to anything is great for children. Agreed. You are so stupid, get some real hobbies.. Dont let anyone else control your decisions. She may still resent her father and you! Ive grown up to be a very accomplished writer, and my dad loves to read what I write. A lot of them could lean into things he likes Firefly could lead into an interest in science. That doesnt mean she shouldnt modify her behavior, but her desire is understandable and its easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. Maybe not, though. Their partners also need to understand that most of the sabotaging behavior is not only unintended but carries significant grief and guilt with it. July 3, 2013, 3:16 am. Most certainly. You will learn from all of them. EVER. Why are we judging other peoples interests? Why cant he ask simple questions about what is her favorite episode and why? My parents did stuff with me because I wanted to and vice versa, of course thats important! If he simply refuses to see that there is a problem and you continue to feel miserable, I suggest you consider talking things through with a Relate counsellor (relate.org.uk). I think it would seem less like forcing if he wasnt being a dictator about other things I mean maybe if she could listen to her music or a Harry Potter book on tape in the car on the way camping the daughter would be in a better mood , Marjoralynnia For older adults, taking away their driving privileges can be traumatic and can even cause depression. And make it a good one. Youve talked about this over and over and your husband still interrupts your conversations because they annoy him? Tell her how much he appreciates it. Same with the radio in the car I like country or musicals, he cant stand it, theres no way Id put that on. Being My Husbands Caregiver is Exhausting. lets_be_honest Its so easy to kill that spark in a child, well done to the mum for supporting her daughter in doing what she loves! Also, this is tangential, but Im always amused/annoyed when people are criticized for being geeks but if the topic at hand were sports, no one would say a thing. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. Hes got to find ways to connect his interests with hers. July 2, 2013, 3:46 pm. The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding, How a Stronger Body Can Transform Your Identity, Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be.
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